I am dealing with challenges in almost every facet of my life. I know that as humans in general, we all go through ups and downs. My life has just decided to take a couple of months' worth of time and coast on down hill, with few peaks but several turns and loops. That's just how it feels. Part of me feels I am just allowing the negative aspects of my daily life bog me down so much that I can't lift my head long enough to enjoy the positive things.
What is so hard to admit is that I am learning, which means that the things that are frustrating me are kinda beneficial. Through the struggle of a (too) long distance relationship, I am learning to appreciate the time I have with my beloved. I am also learning to be patient for things to fall into place so that we can reach our goals together. SO painful. Another painful lesson I am learning is humility. As an actor, I am in a constant battle within myself to, well, not be so.... arrogant. It is a terrible and ugly (albeit not so surprising) truth, but most actors have a certain level of what I call "awareness and pride of one's abilities." Great euphemism, right? Well, within the past year, I had planned with one of my dear theatre friends, a director, to do a production with a local theatre company. This production was to be a pivotal one in which I was to have the lead role. I studied this play- read (AND edited) the script, and listened to a recording of the script. I advertised about the production via word of mouth and facebook. The director (We'll call him Fred) has asked me to co-produce the production as well, so I had started recruiting actors, attempting to gather a stellar cast. And then... disaster. Through email correspondence, I found that Fred had to pull out from this production due to personal reasons. Because of this, the board enforced the rule that everyone who wanted to be involved in the production had to audition. I had no stake, no claim. Every stitch of work was dissolved and diminished. I was furious and hurt. I had received no forewarning on Fred's situation and decision before receiving any of the emails. I was/am forced to realize that our brain child and growing creation was/is no longer ours. After this initial shock, I then began a strain of thoughts: I am no longer guaranteed this role. I have to audition for it, along with whomever else will hear about it within the next few months. This theatre company may have something against me or Fred for this entire situation, which means I probably have a snowball's chance in Arizona to get this part, which means I am most assuredly doomed to spend that time I set aside (keep in mind that I based my entire year around this production) miserable, knowing that I wasn't good enough to get the role I was originally promised. (Along with arrogance, a lot of actors are bogged down by low self-esteem. This girl is no exception.) Embittered, I allowed these thoughts to spin and whirl around, leading me to thoughts of arrogance, appalled at the thought that someone would think that I, of ALL PEOPLE, would be less than perfect for this role. GIRL, PLEASE! After these moments of stricken pride, I had a realization that hurt worse. For years I have criticized theatres that run on favoritism, nepotism, and exclusivity. In these theatres, there is no "community" but rather a secluded commune of people who are self-centered and focused more on stroking egos and satisfying their own needs than educating and including the general public. I realized that by being given this role and by collecting a cast of the past year, rather than potentially winning the director over with my honest audition, I risked being chastised and receiving the same criticisms. Fred and I decided on this production together and he immediately instated me as the lead role. I didn't work for it. My ego was stroked. I was puffed up more than a marshmallow in the microwave. And then I popped like a balloon against a textured ceiling.
*sigh* Even though my BIG moment was potentially ripped away from me (hyperbole... kinda), I feel better knowing that if I am cast in the desired role, it will be because I earned it. And, after the dramatic "woe is me" mentality faded away, I was able to realize that the studying and line memorizing I drilled myself through over the past year will help me when it comes time to go through the sides during the audition. HEY! Was that a positive thought I just had? :o)
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