Today was.... ugh. Grandpa freaked out on Ray today when he and Carol went to the hospital. He was highly unpleasant and malevolent, spouting off things that were unnecessarily heated. Ray came back home crushed and very despondent. I didn't go because I knew waking up this morning I was to refrain from going to the hospital. I didn't know what, but I told Ray I did not want to go to the hospital. When they returned and Carol and Ray recounted the awful details, my answer was revealed. My relationship with my grandfather has been really rocky and bitter due to a very emotional letter I wrote to him when I was around eight. The details of the letter are hazy to me, but it was written during a time when I was not in contact with Ray and was very bitter towards him. Although my relationship with Ray has gotten exponentially better, grandpa's opinion of me has not. SO, it did not surprise me that my grandfather relayed to Ray his disdain for my being here.
Meanwhile, I stayed home, caring for Ethel and got to know her a little bit better.
My focus has morphed between Wednesday and today. At first, I wanted to come down and see my grandfather for the first time and let him know I loved him. I wanted to meet Ethel as well and say goodbye to both of the them. Over the past couple of days they have stabilized healthwise and give no indications of passing soon, like I was previous told. I'm glad that they are still here and I have a chance to get to know them, yet I'm sad that their suffering is prolonged. Since I sensed my grandfather's negative attitude towards my presence, I have focused my efforts towards caring for Ethel. This woman is sweet and loving, a sharp juxtaposition to grandpa's harsh disposition. She is grateful for my help and apologizes each time I have to take her to the bathroom. She also wishes grandpa would understand my mentality behind the aforementioned letter situation. I am not hurt by my grandfather's present actions and words as I know that he is a stubborn and bitter old man. As long as he is unwilling to open up, he is unreachable. I told him I love him and he knows I am down here. I have seen him and he has seen me. I have fulfilled a lifelong wish. Now my energy is focused on Ethel. I never thought I'd be able to care for an elderly person in the major degree that I have with her. I have bathed her, fed her, cleaned her after using the bathroom, and moved her from point to point. I'm physically exhausted but I feel so blessed for the experience and the ability to be a part of things, helping somehow. I have completely fallen in love with her. It is going to be so hard to leave her when it comes time to do so.
Tomorrow will bring new developments. Grandpa may be coming home. In order for that to happen, a lot of equipment and a hospital bed will have to be moved in before he is. If/when he comes home, I shall head back to Ohio. I hate the idea of leaving, but I do not wish to cause a fuss in this house and risk upsetting Ethel, although I know my leaving will make her quite sad. She is so wonderful.
God, please be with us. Keep our tempers down and our tolerance high. Help us make the right choices and keep us safe.
Amen
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