.I'm angry.

I'm angry.
I'm angry because you keep bringing me down.
I'm angry because I wasn't good enough for you.
I'm angry because you didn't give me a chance.
I'm angry because you suck at decision making.
I'm angry because you're an idiot.
I'm angry because I don't feel like I've won.
I'm angry because I you make me feel second best.
I'm angry because I feel used.
I'm angry because I'm not good enough for you.
I'm angry because you keep disappointing me.
I'm angry because I can't get over this pain.
I'm angry because I can't really smile. 
I'm angry because I have no hope.
I'm angry because I can't win.
I'm angry because I'll never be good enough for you. 

My name is Taaaaaah-reeeeeee-aaaaaaah

*This blog is in response to a blog post by one of my past theatre dads, Doug Whaley: http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2012/05/naming-your-baby-some-mistakes-to-avoid*

   Tahrea.
 I've been called Tara, Tiara (my cousin's name, btw), Teresa, Tahera- every obscure or thinkable configuration of T's, A's, and R's imaginable. "No, it's Teresa without the S." "Maria with a T." Some people just don't get it. So many times I've been told it's an "ethnic" name or a "black girl's" name (racist, I know).  After pronouncing it twice and spelling it out, I then have to explain its origin, 1st Chronicles 9:41. THEN I have to explain that Tahrea (or Tarea, as it's spelled in 1st Chronicles 8:35) was a son of Ahaz, and that, YES, it is a guy's name. *sigh*
   I used to hate my name so much when I was a kid. I hated that it was one more thing that seemed to add to my being unpopular and different from my peers. Middle school was particularly painful. It wasn't until I became a young adult that I realized how awesome it was to be such an individual. I now dread the thought of finding another Tahrea in the world, lol. It's my name. The great thing about my name, haha, is that even if you can't remember how to pronounce it, you know it's different. When we meet again, it's in your head, somewhere. After the first or second time, it's stuck. And that makes me unforgettable. And I'm ok with that. :o)

Oh! I forgot to mention the songs. OH, the songs..... Just replace Maria and you have my childhood.....

And my sister figured this one out several years ago. heh. Clever kid. Sometimes.
(My sister, JUNIA. Jew-knee-ah. Same rant, different Bible verse. At least her namesake was a chick. Google that one.)

Today brought in the Newspaper Man (An original writing.)

I wrote this in 2009. 
__________________________
Today brought in the newspaper man.
He seemed kinda down as I poured him a round,
and he looked at me and said,
"I've had nothing to write since they stopped their
fights.
No more guns, no more war.No more rich or poor.
They settle their differences, nothing worth fighting
for.
No more wealth or fame, which are said to cause pain.
And you won't find conviction, and no drug addictions.
Everyone gets high on life.
You'll be hard pressed to find a guy who's stressed
and finds it neccessary to cheat on his wife.
And the children, it seems, have no reason to scream,
save a few playground games.
I'm no longer too criticial of thoughts political, and
the crooks that used to run their schemes.
The government is now a sentiment, and men can really
live their dreams.
No newborn religion or cult-like divisions.
The country's a bit more centered on the hope of
peace and love (though it's all a bit obscure to me.)
And old baptist preachers and other like leaders
are finding it easier to collect their believers.
No one believes it is fun to deceive or attempt any
wrong in any way...
No, it seems, my friend, there's no good news today."

Green Eggs, NO ham: My Easter discovery

 After church, I came home and I was BORED. SO BORED. So I began experiment on an Easter tradition- Deviled Eggs. The results were green. :o)

Ingredients:

7 hard-boiled eggs, peeled


1 ripe avocado


1/2 tsp lime juice


1 Tbsp finely minced red onion


2 Tbsp finely chopped cilantro


A few dashes of Tabasco sauce


A few dashes of Pepper and Salt

Directions:

Cut eggs in half lengthwise. Carefully scoop out the yolks and put into a medium bowl. Put egg halves onto a platter and put into the fridge.



With a fork, crumble up the egg yolks. Cut avocado in half and remove the pit. Scoop out the inside from both halves and add it to the egg yolks. With a spoon, mix well, until the yolks and avocado are creamy. Add lime juice and mix well. Add red onion, cilantro, Tabasco, pepper and salt. Mix well to combine.



Remove egg halves from the fridge. Scoop avocado yolk mixture into the egg halves. You can garnish each egg with cilantro. Serve immediately as avocado will brown. 


(The flavor is much like guacamole. Try it!!!) :o)

The next great veggie adventure for Tahrea

As I delve deeper into the world of vegetarianism, I realize I have reached a plateau in my endeavors. I've reached the goals I had previously set. Or so I thought. For the past couple of years, I have said that I wanted to grow my own garden, planting various veggies and fruits that I eat on a regular basis.... buuuut I haven't really gotten around to so much as looking at a spade or hoe or whatever thingamajig one uses to create a garden (Yeah, I'm giggling because I said "hoe"). Within the last week, I revisited the idea and I haven't been able to really get it off of my mind. With that constant nagging feeling also came a sort of paranoia and annoyance with food cost (along with the cost of everything else) on the rise. I am infuriated that vegetables cost more than junk food, and that no one (in our government or in any of the institutions that were created to help us be healthy and eat safe and well inspected foods) really cares at all for our health and safety. I am tired of the growing fear of consuming a fruit or vegetable that might be contaminated, or that my father will keel over with E. coli, carried by a partially cooked patty of meat. BUT I digress...

SO, my first step is to establish where on the land I will plant said garden. Since it's almost spring and I think we may be in the clear as far as frost goes, I need to act fast. I will be doing some gardening research and taking advice from viable resources, and documenting the journey. :o)

Let's see how green my thumbs can be, shall we?

 http://www.ehow.com/how_6696690_plant-garden-central-ohio.html
http://squarefoot.creatingforum.com/t5373-planting-calendar-for-central-ohio
http://ohioline.osu.edu/hyg-fact/1000/1603.html

My lunch today and a little insight

After church, I was so hungry. I was tempted to hurl myself into the first Fast Food drive thru line for some fries or a sad excuse for a salad. However, I was strong. I waited until I got home. And I rummaged through the fridge and cabinets and found my lunch there. It was so delicious, I wanted to share it. :o)

I gathered some asparagus, potatoes, a garlic clove, and about a 1/6 of an onion (the onion was sliced up from a previous meal). 

After that, chopped up the onion and garlic, and threw them in some Olive Oil over the stove. While they got all hot and sizzly, I chopped the asparagus in thirds and sliced up the potatoes. Then I threw them in the skillet and started to stir the lot up.

 

I added some Black Pepper To the mix and stir/tossed it about for bit. 

I like 'em to be crispy, so I ended up getting some black spots where they had burnt, lol. 

I then placed some of the veggies on a plate and, just to experiment, I sprinkled some Feta Cheese on top (I love Feta). I had a mandarin orange on the side, just 'cause. :o)

So many times people ask me what it is  I eat, since I'm a vegetarian, and I laugh at them. There is more to this world than meat, processed foods, fast food, and pop (or soda). I'm not trying to sound all high and mighty, holier-than-thou, but there is something to be said for finding alternative means of feeding and fueling yourself. Someone once shared with me the phrase "We eat to live; we do not live to eat." It sad but I know that there are people out there in this world who do live to eat, for whatever reason. I feel sorry for those people. 

     I know it is a pain to have to prepare a meal or a dish when you know a vegetarian is in the room. I can suck to have to put with a vegetarian, especially those who do it for animal rights. They are the worst! I did it for my health, and to challenge myself. I suddenly found myself at a point in my life where I had just cut a major meat eater out of my life and I was looking for a healthier lifestyle for myself. Vegetarianism was something in which I had always been interested and that was the perfect time to try it. Almost two years later, I don't regret it. I have lost a significant amount of weight and I look forward to losing more as I gain more insight on how to eat better. 

Inflation, deflation, inflammation, and pride

   I am dealing with challenges in almost every facet of my life. I know that as humans in general, we all go through ups and downs. My life has just decided to take a couple of months' worth of time and coast on down hill, with few peaks but several turns and loops. That's just how it feels. Part of me feels I am just allowing the negative aspects of my daily life bog me down so much that I can't lift my head long enough to enjoy the positive things.

    What is so hard to admit is that I am learning, which means that the things that are frustrating me are kinda beneficial. Through the struggle of a (too) long distance relationship, I am learning to appreciate the time I have with my beloved. I am also learning to be patient for things to fall into place so that we can reach our goals together. SO painful. Another painful lesson I am learning is humility. As an actor, I am in a constant battle within myself to, well, not be so.... arrogant. It is a terrible and ugly (albeit not so surprising) truth, but most actors have a certain level of what I call "awareness and pride of one's abilities." Great euphemism, right? Well, within the past year, I had planned with one of my dear theatre friends, a director, to do a production with a local theatre company. This production was to be a pivotal one in which I was to have the lead role. I studied this play- read (AND edited) the script, and listened to a recording of the script. I advertised about the production via word of mouth and facebook. The director (We'll call him Fred) has asked me to co-produce the production as well, so I had started recruiting actors, attempting to gather a stellar cast. And then... disaster. Through email correspondence, I found that Fred had to pull out from this production due to personal reasons. Because of this, the board enforced the rule that everyone who wanted to be involved in the production had to audition. I had no stake, no claim. Every stitch of work was dissolved and diminished. I was furious and hurt. I had received no forewarning on Fred's situation and decision before receiving any of the emails. I was/am forced to realize that our brain child and growing creation was/is no longer ours. After this initial shock, I then began a strain of thoughts: I am no longer guaranteed this role. I have to audition for it, along with whomever else will hear about it within the next few months. This theatre company may have something against me or Fred for this entire situation, which means I probably have a snowball's chance in Arizona to get this part, which means I am most assuredly doomed to spend that time I set aside (keep in mind that I based my entire year around this production) miserable, knowing that I wasn't good enough to get the role I was originally promised. (Along with arrogance, a lot of actors are bogged down by low self-esteem. This girl is no exception.) Embittered, I allowed these thoughts to spin and whirl around, leading me to thoughts of arrogance, appalled at the thought that someone would think that I, of ALL PEOPLE, would be less than perfect for this role. GIRL, PLEASE! After these moments of stricken pride, I had a realization that hurt worse. For years I have criticized theatres that run on favoritism, nepotism, and exclusivity. In these theatres, there is no "community" but rather a secluded commune of people who are self-centered and focused more on stroking egos and satisfying their own needs than educating and including the general public. I realized that by being given this role and by collecting a cast of the past year, rather than potentially winning the director over with my honest audition, I risked being chastised and receiving the same criticisms. Fred and I decided on this production together and he immediately instated me as the lead role. I didn't work for it. My ego was stroked. I was puffed up more than a marshmallow in the microwave. And then I popped like a balloon against a textured ceiling. 

*sigh* Even though my BIG moment was potentially ripped away from me (hyperbole... kinda), I feel better knowing that if I am cast in the desired role, it will be because I earned it. And, after the dramatic "woe is me" mentality faded away, I was able to realize that the studying and line memorizing I drilled myself through over the past year will help me when it comes time to go through the sides during the audition. HEY! Was that a positive thought I just had? :o)