song lyrics keeping me awake... (it's a possible work in progress)

...so don't ask me if I'm happy
'Cause you know the answer
Isn't good
And don't try to make me smile
Knowing I can only do so for you
But when you leave me
I know where you're going
And I know you
Can never
Be mine

It's getting late
Well passed midnight
And I've gotta few things
On my mind
But they'll wait til later
As long as you're here
By me
Oh, I know
I know you've gotta get going
Someone's calling you back home

Don't ask me if we're happy
You already know that answer
You already know
You already know
And I'll kiss you
Despite the lump in my throat
And the pain in my heart
Oh, I know you can never
Be mine

ugh... agony

I can't escape old memories.
Your face lingers from my dreams.
My heart aches.
My mind is swimming.
My eyes are red.
I can't drink you away.
I can't pretend you don't exist.
And where are you?
Living in another world..
.

to err is human...

We all have our moments of sheer stupidity,little events that we allow to take place, embracing them in the moment, only to later regret them.
This experience of regret or disappointment may erupt immediately or it may simmer for years before boiling over.
And then what?
How does one cope?
How do you cope?
Do you mull it all over?
Ignore it?
Wallow in self hate?
Or do you own up to it, whether to yourself or others, and move on?
I believe everything happens for a reason, but not so much that God or Satan is behind every action.
We are given the free will to make our decisions and create our own situations.
So, really, when you reflect on all of the not-so-great things you've done, realize that you did them for a reason.
Sure, it probably wasn't a great reason, but it happened.
And life still carries on.
So, friends, my advice to you is to make peace within and work towards moving on.
And don't live with this cloud of regret.
People waste time focusing on their regrets.
That's a heavy burden.
I'm done a lot of really stupid things in my time, and I've regretted some more than others.
But then I decided to just chalk it up to experience.
If your life were that of a D and D character, each moment like these could be an added experience point or plus 5 for experience, or something like that...
Whatever.
The point is this: don't carry your regrets too long.
Let it go.
And if you find it all keeps building up on you, stop doing stupid things.

slightly sad news

Unfortunately, we shall not be able to perform in Lancaster.
It sucks.
A lot.
I hate feeling the let down.
Not so much for myself, but for the new folks in the show.
It sucks.
But we're going to all get together at Danielle's house Saturday.
I will admit, I'm going to really miss this cast.
If you didn't get to see the show,you missed a great group people.
Ugh.
However...
I look forward to performing with every one of the members of the Shrew cast.
Sigh...
At least we'll have another evening together...
:o)

Let's go raise cane at the Table!!!!!!

Hey, I've got an idea!
Let's walk into the Tuscan Table and tell them I'm bringing 17 other people, no reservation.
Ooh, and let's count 12 kids into that number.
Oh, let's do this at 11:30 am on a Monday.
Oh!!
Let's freak out when our food takes a long time to get to our table, even though we're CLEARLY not the only table in the middle of the LUNCH RUSH.
OOH OOOOH!
Let's let our children throw food particles about the restaurant and let our particularly pudgy child run amok in the building, almost knocking over the serving staff.
Oh, let's attempt to NOT pay our bill, blaming the completely incompetent staff for not catering to our outrageous demands.
Oh, and let's tell the helpful waitress that we know it's not her fault, and then tip her LESS than 10%.
Just because.
Ooh, and let's freak out on everyone as we leave, pissed because we actually had to pay, leaving a half wrecked dining room in our torrential wake.
Yeah.
Let's do that.
That'll make their day.

The evening of interesting events....

Last weekend we performed for over 100 people in Town Hall.
Not too shabby.
All comments presented to cast and crew have been those of praise and admiration.
I am pleased that I have received a few comments on my performance, my favorite coming from Richard Barch (Who seems to know what he's talking about when it comes to theatre).
He basically said he's never seen Bianca played so three dimensional before.
That made me smile.
Others have said it's the best rendition/version of Shrew that they've seen in quite some time or EVER.
I'll just say our show is ROCKING.
I truly appreciate everyone who has come out to see us and I really look forward to seeing faces in the audience tonight.
Last night, we had a VERY interesting speed through in the Alumi Hall of the Groveport Elm. School.
LOL
It was something.
I'll decline from posting any details.
Please approach any given cast member for their own unique experience as everyone had several last night...
But the space is gorgeous and there's not a bad seat in the house.
Tonight and tomorrow night we will be performing at 7:30 pm.

After tonight's performance most of the cast is heading over to the Birch Tavern for KARAOKE.
LOL!
If anyone feels brave enough to join us, please do.
It shall be an evening of interesting events...

UGH.

You know you are truly lost when search for the truth in the darkness.
Always reaching, never touching.
Every relationship is an excuse to abuse.
Your smiles are tools to reel in those weak enough to believe.
Each words is a potential dagger.
Each glance a curse.
You are a monster.
The enticing moments you do find are short and tragic.
You find that you merely hate yourself more than time before.
You are truly alone.
You can never look yourself in the eye.
You are truly lost within yourself.

How heavy is your soul today???

Have you ever had a thought, a moment, a day, a situation, a conversation, SOMETHING that happened to you or in your life that just weighed you down?
I mean, initially, it happens and your first reaction is "Meh, whatever."
But then, you start to mull things over.
You begin to think over and over, dissecting every detail.
And you suddenly feel as though your soul itself weighs several pounds.
So you try to ignore it.
You try to brush it off, hoping it will go away.
But it doesn't.
Instead you wake up the next day and this issue weighs so heavily on your soul, you swear you feel shorter, smaller.
Does it eventually go away?
Perhaps.
Maybe you finally break free and forget about it.
Maybe you pray and work it out.
Or...
Maybe it stays with you like an old scar, an eternal reminder that will haunt you for the rest of your life.
Only time will tell.

As humans we are trapped.
Trapped in our minds.
Trapped in ourselves.
We cannot escape from
what we love
what we hate
what we fear
and what we accept.
As humans we are faithful.
As humans we cheat.
We run for safety.
We run for love.
We run from love.
We run from trouble.
We hide in the darkness.
We seek the light.
We torment ourselves
and we torment others.
As humans we exist.
As humans we cease to be.
We encourage.
We discourage.
We enlighten.
We deceive.
We are lovers.
We are fighters.
We build.
We crumble.
We rebel.
We embrace.
We attempt to release
but never let go.
As humans we are trapped.

The dark world.... (oooooooooooooooh....)

Dark lights and loud music...
the mixture of cologne and alcohol...
emotion mingles with the lingering laughter...
Silhouettes dancing to a beat beyond the radio...
The clink of glass resonates through this hazy dimension...
The slur of conversation presents renewed needs to guzzle down the cheap elixir of forgotten morals and delayed regret...
Somewhere in this realm, relationships are thrown away...
Temptation lingers on the edge of every thought, thriving on hormones and desperation...
Each word is an innuendo...
Each sentence a false promise...
And somehow, those who know of the sin and darkness of this world always return...

Why I really hate when other women take away my power.....

One of the things I pride myself in is not being weak.
What I mean is as a person, as woman, I am strong.
I know who I am and I know for what I stand.
Having been raised by a man hating amazon who has been screwed over by men most of her life, I have learned certain lessons.
That's why it should be no surprise to anyone that I don't play the damsel in distress role very well.
I also don't like people to view as weak because I'm a woman.
With this said, you will understand the following story.
The night before last, a group of gents from the Table removed our broken deli case.
HIZZAH!
However, they left a pretty nasty floor behind.
Not-so-hizzah.
So, when I came into work yesterday, I volunteered to scrub the floor.
Which I did.
And it's beautiful now, thank you very much.
;o)
We felt sorta naked up there with no barrier between our area of the kitchen space, and the front door.
Jennifer then told us that she wanted us to bring a conference table up from the basement to place with the deli case once was.
No problem.
Angie and Yvonne actually went down to get the table but decided to wait until one particular guest had left, as bringing up the table would've meant taking the poor dude out cold.
So they waited.
Once he left, I said I would help one of them with the table, carrying it up and placing it where it needed to be.
No problem.
We moved the tables in our path out of the way.
We cleared the floor where we were going to put said table.
A few minutes later, I went to the basement door to get into position when I see our darling dishtank dude hauling the hulk up the stairs by himself.
I was pissed.
I asked him why he was doing so and he told me that the other server, with whom we really hadn't discussed the whole table moving thing, had told him that HE needed to move the table.
I was really pissed.
I informed him, NICELY, that we fully intended on getting it ourselves, to which he sighed and allowed me to help him the rest of the way.
Yvonne and I then placed the table where it needed to be and I angrily informed her what dear Lance had told me.
She scowled.
ARGH.
A little later, I asked the other server why she had sent Lance on our daring mission.
She said, "Oh, I got the MAN to do it, so you girls didn't have to."
ARGHARGHARGHARGHARGH!!!!!!
I nearly lost my mind, but simply walked away.
The MAN????
Granted, Lance may be stronger than I, no problem.
BUT, he had things he needed to do, and we had told Jennifer WE were going to move it.
I was mondo pissed.
The MAN.
PUH.

The moral of this story?
If I need someone else's help, I'll ask or graciously accept or decline if help is offered.
Until then, don't assume I can't do it.
ARGH.

My embarrassing moment at work...

Sometimes, I really love working at the Table.
I get to interact with reeeeeeeeeeally interesting folks and I my co-workers are prety boss.
I like to watch the people who come in and, sometimes, learn interesting stuff about them.
Yesterday, two older gentlemen came in and were seated.
As I was going about my side work, I overheard their conversation about baseball.
(I think it was baseball.)
Anyways, they made me smile because their conversation was so relaxed, so casual I almost expected a chess board to appear between them.
Overall, I love the Table.
Until something mondo embarrassing takes place.
Like yesterday.
*SIGH*
SO, Tuesday, Yvonne and I were discussing Youtube videos and I wrote down a few titles from this canadian comedian that I had discovered recently, Jon Lajoie.
Funny stuff.
I folded the paper when I handed it to her because some of the song titles aren't the most workplace appropriate, but all is explained away once you watch the videos.
I later logged on to facebook to find that Darling Yvonne wrote on my facebook, saying she left the list at work and needed the name again.
Not a problem.
WELL...
Yesterday, in the midst of my side work, I trekked over to JR Hooks to get some to-go cups.
When I came back into the Table, I saw Jennifer, Angie, and Yvonne huddled around this piece of paper.
As I approached, I saw that this piece of paper was, in fact, the one I handed Yvonne the day before.
The absolute horror didn't strike until Angie told me that this list of ours was found by one of the guests in the dining room.
THEN my heart stopped.
I looked at Jennifer and, in a flood of words and worries, quickly explained the innocence of the situation and why I had written down these particular titles.
Luckily, it was Angie's cousin who found the list and, LUCKILY, Jennifer said we were to play it off as though it had come from a guest.
*DOUBLESIGH*
That was a bittersweet relief as I was still mondo embarrassed.
The moral of this story?
IF it isn't workplace appropriate, wait to post it on Facebook.

(BTW, I apologize to anyone who was expecting a boob-related mishap. )

Tech Week

Ah, Tech Week.
Another Tech Week.
Ah....
Last night we explored the First half of the Show.
Tonight was the Second half.
Tomorrow shall be a brisk stab at the show in its entirety.
Hmmm...
Could be interesting.
I can't believe we're only four days away from opening night.
I mean, Auditions were in the end of August.
We've come all this way in a blink of an eye.
I don't think, as long as I'm in theatre and am doing shows, that I'll ever be able to get over this feeling.
This feeling of...
WHERE did the time go?
Where did the rehearsals go?
I guess I'm grateful we're running three weekends instead of two.
It gives me a chance to spend more time with this awesome cast and crew.
One terrifying thought is right after this show ends, my show begins.
AGH!
Can't think about that right now, though.
I'll completely flipped.
lol

For now I must focus on staying alive and healthy and being on top of my lines, my character, and not messing up, all of which is a job in and of itself.

Pray for all of us.